Birthdays, Inner Critics, and a Little Bit of Peace

June was my birthday month. I don’t know if you handle your birthday like I handle mine, but I take some time for reflection and re-evaluation in the month of June. This often doesn’t lead to a “happy birthday”  feeling as I have a really over-active and head-honcho, inner dictator part. When I take to my study with my pen and paper, this part rubs it's hands together and gets very enthusiastic about its job. The parts of me less involved with striving and driving, feel the effect of the (self) bullying that can take place if I don’t intervene. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about here: an internal battle of "shoulds", "musts" and "have to’s". It's not all bad, or I would abort the practice. Actually, it's quite fun to watch it all going on, especially when I can be conscious and not let it happen in the dark recesses of my mind, where I can't see it all. The more I can be the watcher of the whole drama, the more benefit I can gain from seeing the parts of me in action.

This year, I deliberately took the microphone out of the hands of my dictator and placed it firmly in the hands of my "fun" and "frivolous" part. I asked her to evaluate my year and report back on how things had gone. I then handed the mic to my inner "elder" part and asked her for input. In the end after a morning of inner honesty and exploration, I emerged back in the happy birthday frame of mind.

Then, Discovery Health sent me a mail wishing me happiness. I received it the day after all of this inner processing. Crash! One of the sections of the mail asked how I had gone with achieving my goals this year. My inner dictator self righteously highlighted the words of the email and hammered home the point - crashing my happiness factor and leading me to feel inadequate all over again. This rollercoaster is a human experience. I know you feel it too. We suffer with constantly finding ourselves at the mercy of our very harsh inner critic. We endlessly struggle against a feeling of being “not good enough” or not something enough (you can substitute "good" for whatever word you hear in your head... thin, fit, clever, disciplined etc). It’s a universal struggle and none of us suffer alone.

What did I do? I heard the dictatorial voice all over again and again, I took an observer view. It’s just a part of me trying to protect myself in the world. It’s trying to prevent me from wasting my life. It’s trying to prevent me from feeling like I didn’t use the gifts and privileges of my existence enough, so I don’t get to my death bed with regrets and disappointments. It’s trying to ensure I don’t have a life void of meaning. So, I thanked this very hard working and ardent part of myself. I thanked it profusely. I reminded myself that achieving goals is only a small part of a life of meaning. I brought to front of mind my own values, and evaluated my year against my personal value system, not Discovery’s and not other people’s. In the end of the grapple and after a difficult stint in the warzone inside my head, I brokered a peace deal and a ceasefire ensued.

So, what can I offer you after reflecting on this annual birthday experience?

1. Birthdays aren’t always completely happy and we should be prepared for that. 

2. Inner dictators can be cruel. We can't arm them with sticks and stones, because they will harm us.

3. We must stay in the observer role of all this drama and ensure that we remember and remember again that the voice is not fact. It’s just a part of ourselves that is trying to keep us safe and alive in the world.

4. We must try over and again not to compare to other people, or judge ourselves by general standards. We are on our own journey and must be guided by our own values and ideals.

5. Patience is crucial.

6. Goals are good. But sometimes a great goal is to be aware of our inner voice and reign it in.

I would love to hear your thoughts on all this.

Much love

Sue