Your big strong "no"

It's a few days after Women’s Day and It’s still Women’s Month, in South Africa. One of my patients shared with me that her son refused to say “Happy Women’s Day” to his teacher or her, until he knew when it was Men’s Day. I think he has a good point. Why?? Are we supporting women this month? Is the way we’re supporting them actually working?

Of course, it makes sense that the previously downtrodden and under supported gender get support now. But when you look around the world and see the mess that exists wherever you look, it does make you wonder how we can bring about REAL change and more fairness and justice on this planet. Most of the world looks away while women in multiple places are denied any freedom, education, independence and justice. There is so much talk about gender based violence, but little effective change is created to protect women and children. This apathy, even when science shows us how devastating sexual violence, incest, abuse and injustice are to the psyche and futures of women and children (of course to  male victims too). You can't expect a small boy to make sense of Women’s Day.

It's most unlike me to write about problems. As a confirmed optimist, I find it too misery-generating to discuss problems unless a solution follows. And my brain is wired to focus on the solution. I wish I had a simple solution here that I could dash off and send that could make August a game changing, watershed month in the world. But I do believe that the key to solving a valuable piece of the problem is the little word: “NO!” 

I was chatting with a pregnant patient who I was working with, and we were discussing her toddler and the problem that keeps recurring whenever this little person wants to be picked up. Mom has a sore back and is heavily pregnant and she feels she needs to pick this little boy up, so as not to leave him disappointed. As I saw the problem she faced through her loving-Mom-eyes, I recognized her thinking:

• Self-sacrifice is almost a prerequisite for love

• Putting your child’s needs ahead of your own makes you a great Mom

• Seeing a child cry is hard to tolerate, especially when you have the key to putting an end to the sorrow.

  
  

As we chatted on, it came clear that her little boy needed her to say “no” for multiple important reasons:

• So he could learn to hear “no.” 

• She needed him to hear “no” so he could learn to say “no” effectively and without throwing a tantrum. 

• He needed to be disappointed so he could learn to survive disappointment. 

• He needed her to say “no” so he could learn to trust himself to accept disappointment.

• He needed her to say “no” so he could learn that she had needs and he needed to respect those needs. 

• Maybe her back ache was a gift. Maybe it helped her find her assertive voice in response to her body’s needs and put up a healthy and firm boundary, so everyone could learn, grow and thrive

  
  

I remember back to my first child and my early experience of motherhood, and I recognize that I didn’t say “no” easily. I didn’t put my needs and self-care on the priority list at all. I did do a parenting course quite early on in my parenting journey, in which I learnt about choices and consistency. I learnt that every choice has a consequence, and I needed to model good choice making so my children could learn from me. I needed to choose to put up consistent and clear boundaries that could act as guard rails for my children and keep them safe and secure. The boundaries had to be consistent. 

My daughter taught me how inconsistent I was when she asked to go to a party when she was 14. I said “no.” She asked again in a different tone and then a different style and after 6 or 7 more asks, when I had said “no” again, she had obviously spotted a kink in the “no.” She let it slip that she knew if she kept asking, my “no” would convert to a “yes”. I was shocked and realized how often I allowed her to persuade me. I realized I thought I said “no", but she had heard “maybe.”

I am certain that if we practice saying “no” when we need to, unashamedly and assertively and if we mean “no,” we will start to change the world around us. 

Emily Nagoski (The author of “Come As You Are”), says you can’t say “yes” until you can say “no.” She, said this in relation to consent with respect to sex. I think it is true for all boundaries, for many negotiations and in many decisions. Relationships can't flourish when people can't say “no.” Trust can't be built when people can’t say “no.” Neither can relationships or trust flourish when people can’t hear “no” and accept it. 

My Women’s Day wish for you, is a month and more of exploring your own “no”. Can you say it, so people hear it with clarity? Can you stick with it, even if people don’t like it? Can you give yourself permission to know that “maybe” is “no.” Can you make choices and take responsibility for the consequences? Can you be visionary enough to see where you want to get to and inform your “no” or “yes” with that clear and unapologetic vision?

Most of the problems in the world are way beyond our control, but in our own small sphere of influence our own “no” is vital. I am certain that we can change the whirlpool around ourselves one “no” at a time. 

I wish you a clear and assertive, powerful (choice-filled) Women’s Month. And I have purposefully made this blog gender neutral even on this Women’s Day week. We all need to learn to say “no”, hear “no,” accept “no” and respect “no.” 

With love

Sue