A Tribute to Prof. Elna McIntosh

Two weeks ago, after a long and dreadful battle with cancer my friend, mentor and colleague, the great Professor Elna McIntosh passed away. Her death has brought up so many uncomfortable and painful thoughts and feelings for me. I have worked hard to use my resilience and not my capacity to dissociate, protect and defend against the feelings. I wanted to talk about the process I have used in case you are going through emotional pain yourself.

But first a short tribute to this multifaceted and powerfully, brilliant lady:

Like so many, I knew Elna McIntosh as a giant in the field of sexual health: a pioneer, educator, mentor, advocate, and tireless supporter of healthier and more honest conversations about sexuality. She was a guest on my podcast a few years ago and I will share the link to that podcast at the end of this mail, so you can listen and benefit from her insight and ability to say what most would never dare to say.

Over the past 18 months of her illness, I got to know Elna better and better. As illness increasingly shaped her days, I had the privilege of seeing the integration of the great public figure with the human being who was courageously navigating an extraordinarily difficult journey. What I came to appreciate ever more deeply was that her generosity and vision for a just world was always connected to her humanity. They lived within each other. 

Even while enduring intolerable pain, she remained deeply invested in the lives and futures of others. When I was trying to submit a proposal for further study and needed a reference, she gave her support without hesitation, despite everything she herself was carrying. No matter what she was facing, she continued to create opportunities, open doors, and champion the work of others.

She truly saw people. She identified the person in each encounter and amplified them. That’s one big gift she gave to the hordes of people who loved and supported her. Her generosity was boundless, her kindness genuine, and her humility remarkable. Especially for someone whose influence touched so many lives, around the world and whose life had such impact. 

Elna leaves behind an extraordinary legacy in the profession she helped shape, in the patients she supported, in the colleagues she mentored, and in the countless lives including my own, she touched with her care, protection and compassion.

I am profoundly grateful to have known her, and I will miss her always. I will treasure the gifts she left me with especially the frankness, relentless dedication and passionate commitment and the learning. Rest easy wonderful lady.

Now for the regulation work I want to share...

As I watched the suffering increase week after week, and saw the difficulties escalate, my heart would ache. I couldn’t take too much of the pain at one time. I had to titrate the doses of it. So, I only let a little inside at any time. I could dip in, feel a drop of the heartache and move away. I felt the constriction in my heart, the shortness of breath it created and the tightening of my jaw and face as I tried to steady myself. I felt the impulse to scream: “no!” and “it’s not fair!” and I experienced the longing to fix it for her, to say something that would help, to do something that would improve the situation and the excruciating helplessness that came with the recognition that there was nothing I could do except show up. I experienced the thought that I would rather run away than feel so impotent.

And then when I received the text informing me that she had passed, I noticed the numbness that set in. Again, I had to titrate the dose of the pain, shelve it in order to function and just feel little bits of it when I had capacity.

If you have difficult emotions bubbling up for you right now, take the titration route too, if you can. Don’t overwhelm yourself. Just a drop and think of something that makes you smile. Just a little taste of the emotional blueprint in your body and take your mind away. This way you can experience your feelings, but within your body and mind’s capacity. Always remember to keep regulating your nervous system, especially when you are in the throes of difficult experiences. Spend time in nature, keep finding the awareness of gravity acting on your body, be with your special people and let them support and resource you. Slow yourself down and breathe as deeply and slowly as you can as often as you can. These things help you far more than the solutions your mind might offer like wine, Netflix and chocolate. Use those too if you must, but in moderation and with care.

 I wish you calmness, peace and integration

With Love,

Sue.