Recovery Before Reframing

I have thought a great deal about Charlie Munger’s words on hardship. Drawing on the philosophy of Epictetus, he suggested that every misfortune gives us an opportunity to learn something and use the experience constructively.

Here is the quote, if you would like to read it:

“Assume life will be really tough and then ask if you can handle it. If the answer is yes, you’ve won.”

“Life is very likely to provide terrible blows, unfair blows. Some people recover, and others don’t. And there I think the attitude of Epictetus helps guide one to the right reaction. He thought that every mischance in life, however bad, created an opportunity to behave well. He believed every mischance provided an opportunity to learn something useful. And one’s duty was not to become immersed in self-pity, but to utilise each terrible blow in a constructive fashion.”

The first quote is widely attributed to Charlie Munger, although its original source is unclear. The second comes from his USC Gould School of Law Commencement Address on 13 May 2007.

I agree with the wisdom behind these words. I believe that we can learn from even the most difficult experiences in our lives.

But through my Somatic Experiencing training and my work with the nervous system, I have realised that there is a crucial step missing:

Before we turn pain into purpose, we need to give the body time to process what has happened.

Positive reframing can be enormously helpful. But while the mind is busy searching for the lesson, what is happening in the body?

Are you bracing or holding your breath? Are you pushing away anger, sadness or fear? Are you encouraging yourself to “look on the bright side” while your nervous system is still trying to make sense of what has happened?

Sometimes the mind has moved on, but the body has not.

This is where positivity can become a bully in disguise. It can pressure us to be strong, grateful or optimistic before we have had time to acknowledge the reality of our experience.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to feel better. It is completely understandable that we want uncomfortable feelings to pass as quickly as possible. But rushing ourselves can sometimes make recovery harder. Resilience is not about drowning in difficult emotions. Nor is it about avoiding them. It is about learning to meet them, in manageable doses, without becoming overwhelmed.

The Recovery First Practice

1. Slow down

Pause before trying to fix, solve or reinterpret what has happened.

Feel your feet on the floor. Notice your breathing. Let your body know that, in this moment, you are here.

2. Notice the urge to rush

Do you want to get over it, get on with it or immediately find the positive?

Try not to judge that response. Become curious about it instead. What might the urgency be protecting you from feeling?

3. Touch the discomfort gently

For a few seconds, notice the emotion and where you feel it in your body.

You may become aware of tightness, heaviness, heat, anger, sadness or fear. Do not analyse it or try to make it disappear. Simply notice what is there, in an amount that feels manageable for you.

4. Move towards something supportive

Now shift your attention towards something pleasant or steady. It could be sunlight, a comforting sound, a beautiful view or the thought of someone who makes you smile.

Move gently between the discomfort and the supportive experience three times.

You are not avoiding what is difficult. You are helping your nervous system discover that you can touch discomfort without being completely consumed by it.

5. Return and reframe

Carry on with your day and return to the practice when you feel ready. There is no correct timeline and no need to rush yourself.

When the experience becomes easier to hold, ask:

• What has this taught me?

• What do I understand differently now?

• Is there an opportunity or necessary change within it?

• How can I use this experience constructively?

  
  

This is where positive reframing becomes truly powerful, because the lesson is no longer being forced onto the pain. It can arise naturally, when you are ready.

Resilience With the Body Included

Recovery does not require us to choose between feeling our pain and finding meaning in it. We can do both. But I believe the order matters.

First, we feel.

Then, we process.

Finally, we reframe.

These are some of the skills we explore in my NERVOUS SYSTEM REGULATION through MINDFULNESS courses. If doing this alone feels difficult, you are warmly invited to join my next online course or book an online or in-person coaching session with me.

Sometimes we simply need someone to walk alongside us while we learn a new way of being with ourselves.

You do not have to force yourself to recover faster.

You can learn to recover more fully.

Recovery first. Reframing second. Growth will follow. Resilience will be the result.

If focusing on difficult emotions causes significant distress, panic, dissociation or a sense of being unsafe, please stop. You may need the support of an appropriately qualified healthcare or mental health professional to help you work through the experience safely.